First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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