What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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