He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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