smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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