the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
