I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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