you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
