I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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