His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
