He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
