After last night, I could never be a politician.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
