Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
