if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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