Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
