If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
