god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
