Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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