addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
