I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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