I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He passed out mid-signature
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
