dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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