Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
