I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
