You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
