he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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