Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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