when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
