Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
