I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
