I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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