Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
