yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
