its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
