i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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