I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
