What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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