I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
