if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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