Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
