ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
