Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
