What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
