she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
