I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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