the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
