Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
