I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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