my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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