This girl is more easily done than said...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
