Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
