Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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