Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
