he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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