omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
